1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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