I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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