You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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