K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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