Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
