Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
whose ass print is on the piano?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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