When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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