Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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