He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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