so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
