Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
