I cannot find my penis.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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