I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize