so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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