Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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