You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
