sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
