sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
