I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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