his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
