I accidentally had phone sex last night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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