saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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