I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize