If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
