so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize