Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
