He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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