party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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