My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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