Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
