clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize