Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
