the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
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