you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
