He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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