Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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