I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
