Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i will never coherently bang her
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize