I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wanna passion pit in your ass
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
