I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
