I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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