I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
