The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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