He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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