just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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