we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
