I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
