My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
