I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
this is an emotional support booty call
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
