Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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