All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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