My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
