you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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