I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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