I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
