my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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