upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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