I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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