Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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