Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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