Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
