now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
