i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
