Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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