there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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