Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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