Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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