the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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