im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
