I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
