I want to have your abortion
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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