Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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