so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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