im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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