I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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