If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
